With Fragile Hearts
by Dmarx
Summary: It's new and tentative, this thing between them – sharing beds and lives and progressively larger pieces of their hearts. A different take on the events of 3x22 through 4x01. One-shot.


_This started as a little idea in my head while I was driving to work and morphed into a monstrosity so, umm, oops? It's not quite M but parts of it are a_ _strong T._

 _Thank you Andy for the brainstorming help and ever present enthusiasm/cheerleading!_

 _Disclaimer: if you recognize it from the show, it's safe to say it's not mine._

* * *

It wasn't planned.

Any of it.

Kate hadn't woken that morning planning to fly to LA, and Castle hadn't left the precinct intending to follow her.

She hadn't planned to sip champagne with him at 35,000 feet, hadn't planned to speed through the city in the bright red Ferrari he rented. She definitely hadn't planned to let him drive.

And she absolutely hadn't planned to stay with him in his luxurious hotel suite with sparkling doors and swanky décor.

But it's there that she finds herself late that evening, sitting far closer to Castle than is acceptable on such a large sofa. The room is bathed in lamplight, the glow of the city visible through the open curtains behind them. Castle is narrating the story of Violet and McCauley and the stolen voice code and Kate finds herself drawn in, as always, finds herself adding on as they weave together a theory so naturally. It's always been like this between them; a meeting of compatible minds, always in sync.

It's comforting, this semblance of normalcy in the wake of a truly abnormal couple of days, and suddenly it all comes spilling out. Her history with Royce, how much she's going to miss him. It's not the kind of thing she'd normally share, but then again, Castle isn't just a normal guy.

He's the guy who knows her better than she knows herself sometimes. He's the guy who followed her across the country against her wishes because he cares. She's secretly glad he's here with her, and she has a feeling he probably knows that, too.

And then – because he knows her so well – he's leaning closer, offering comfort and a distraction as he pours his own heart across the space between them.

"You know what I thought when I first met you?" he asks, and she tugs her lower lip between her teeth, rests her jaw against the back of her hand as she offers a questioning hum, a prompt to continue. "That you were a mystery I was never gonna solve."

Kate furrows her brow in confusion, fingers combing through her hair as she tilts her head in curiosity and intrigue.

"Even now," Castle continues, "after spending all this time with you, I'm still amazed by the depths of your strength."

She feels it wash over her, the sincerity of this beautiful compliment.

"Your heart," he continues.

Kate offers a small smile before averting her eyes as her stomach clenches with the sudden intensity of his words.

"And your hotness," Castle finishes.

That draws her gaze back to his. The determination in his features has lessened, but he's not teasing her either. Merely trying to lighten the mood with the gentle twinkle in his eye and a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Kate smiles back, can't help herself. As annoyed as she often pretends to be about the fact that he's inserted himself so deeply into her life, she's infinitely grateful for it at times like this. Times when he knows exactly what to say.

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle." She's replying before her brain catches up with her mouth, lips curling into a smile, voice far sultrier than she meant it to be.

He notices, of course he does, and the shift is instantaneous. She can see it all in his eyes – attraction, lust, the pure depth of his feelings for her – and she's fairly certain she's projecting the same emotions in her own gaze. She's not sure she has the capacity to hold back at this point.

Royce's words echo through her mind and she realizes she's not sure she wants to keep holding back, either.

Their gazes are locked so tightly she doesn't notice the movement of his arm until his left palm lands on her right knee. She changed into leggings and a loose purple shirt half an hour ago and the heat of his skin burns through the thin fabric, rippling through her and awakening the flock of butterflies that have become far too common a fixture in her stomach as of late. His fingers curl around the joint, thumb sweeping tenderly over the outside of her knee, and she narrowly manages to suppress a shiver.

Her lips part, eyes widening as she shakily sets her wine glass on the table, allows her hand to cover his. She wants him; it's embedded in the quaking muscles beneath his touch and it's sizzling through her veins.

"Kate," he utters, voice deep and low and it draws her to him like moth to flame. Her free hand falls to his shoulder and his finds her jaw, wide palm cupping the sharp line of bone. Soft fingers spread across the plane of her cheek, thumb stroking the rise of her cheekbone as their lips meet.

It's fleeting at first, tentative. Just a gentle sweep of her lips over his. A shuddering breath falls from his mouth as his forehead knocks against hers, noses brushing in the shared space between them. She fiddles with the collar of his shirt, fingers nudging the skin of his neck and drawing him in again.

The second meeting of lips is less unsure, more firm, has Kate dislodging their joined hands as she swings one leg over his on the sofa. She sinks down onto his thighs, knees bracketing his hips. His free hand finds her waist and hers loops around his neck as she snags Castle's bottom lip between her teeth and his lips part on a groan, granting her entry.

The hand on her jaw weaves into her hair and the one on her waist slides to span her lower back, tugging her further up his thighs. A soft moan escapes Kate's lips as she settles into his lap, feels the beginnings of a bulge between them. She rolls her hips, grinding against the growing hardness and Castle jerks beneath her, thrusting his hips.

Her head falls back in surprise, a soft "oh" tumbling from her lips, and the unexpected separation of their mouths breaks the moment, pouring a sudden tension into Castle's frame. She feels his body stiffen beneath her and he tugs his hand from beneath her shirt – when exactly did _that_ happen? – does his best to separate their bodies.

"Castle…"

"We can't," he interrupts.

"What?" Kate hisses.

He runs a hand through his hair, allows it to fall to his side. "You have… Josh," he stammers.

Oh. That.

"No," she admits on a whisper, eyes sliding closed as she shakes her head. "I don't."

"You broke up?" His voice is tentative, eyes brimming with hope.

"He's in Haiti," Kate answers with a nod. "He was… restless," she explains at the question in Castle's eyes. "Traveling, helping people… it's his calling. I couldn't get in the way of that. Told him he should go."

"I didn't know," Castle murmurs, unsure of how to respond. He knows she doesn't want his sympathy and he also doesn't want to risk saying anything that will have her climbing off his lap and retreating to her bedroom.

She shrugs. "Well, now you do."

He settles his hands on her waist again and leans forward to capture her lips. He's confident this time as one hand slides beneath the hem of her shirt, the other falling to the outside curve of her ass. Kate's arms tighten around his neck as she presses into him, sealing their bodies together from hip to chest.

Castle's hands are eager in their exploration, palm spanning her back, fingers dancing along the line of her spine, brushing the bottom edge of her bra. She arches into him as his hand slides up her side, sweeping against the outside curve of her breast.

He finally manages to tear his lips from her mouth, trailing kisses across the sharp line of her jaw, down her neck. He swirls his tongue in the hollow of her clavicle, nips at the bone, and his ministrations have Kate tightening her knees at his hips, releasing a litany of erotic moans into his ear.

Her own body isn't idle; one hand is in his hair, the other tracing the ridges of his shoulder blade as she rolls her hips again and again over the proof of how much he wants her.

"Castle," she gasps as he sinks his teeth into her collarbone, slips his fingers beneath her waistband to toy with the barely-there line of her underwear. "Bed."

He doesn't need to be told twice, hoisting their tangled bodies from the sofa with some difficulty, nearly losing his balance when she traps the lobe of his ear between her teeth. His bedroom is closer and he's there in a few determined strides, turning and pressing Kate back against the closed half of the double doors.

Her back arches as she hits the shiny red surface, head knocking against it when his mouth descends to her neck again. She wedges her arms between them, makes a feeble attempt at the buttons on his shirt but he's sucking on her pulse and the hard pressure between her legs is so good that she can barely focus, can't seem to make her fingers grasp the small discs. She finally manages the first two, strokes her fingertips over the newly unveiled skin, and it has Castle pulling away, catching her hand before it can go any further.

She loosens her legs from their vice grip on his hips, allows her feet to fall to the floor. Her muscles tremble as she takes her own weight, but she's still pressed against the door with one of his hands around her waist and it steadies her.

Kate's eyes seek his gaze, lust crowded with confusion, and he's momentarily captured by the beautiful green staring up at him.

"I don't want to wake up alone," he states, his tone leaving no room for argument.

"You won't," she promises with a gentle sweep of her thumb over his jaw. A year ago, she might have considered a one-night stand with him but she knows now that they could never have just one night. She cares for him far too much for that.

He searches her gaze for a long moment, nodding when he finds the assurance he's looking for. "Okay."

"Now," Kate murmurs, catching the hem of her shirt and tugging it over her head, allowing the garment to flutter to the floor at their feet. "Bed."

* * *

They finally drift into slumber just after midnight, and Castle is pleasantly surprised to learn that Kate is a snuggler. After a fast and frantic round one, she'd collapsed on top of him, limbs draping limply across his body, rolling off only once their heartbeats settled. He was certain he'd been crushing her after round two but her arms looped around him, held him in place until he finally regained the ability to lift his face from the crook of her neck.

She pads to her room to use the toilet and brush her teeth while Castle washes up in his own bathroom, but she's back a few minutes later, still completely naked as she slips beneath the covers and lets him catch her around the waist, pull her lithe frame into the cove of his body.

True to her word, she's there when he wakes, leaning against the headboard with bent knees, a mug of coffee cradled between her palms and his shirt draped over her shoulders.

"Hey," he murmurs, blue eyes hazy with sleep and crinkling in the corners as he smiles at her so tenderly.

Kate drops a hand to his hair, twining her fingers through the soft – and very disheveled – strands and smiling back. He cuddles up to her, looping an arm around her thigh and quickly discovering that she's naked beneath his shirt.

Her coffee sits abandoned on the night stand.

* * *

He's on her as soon as they enter their suite that night. He's been restraining himself since the moment she strutted out of the swimming pool like she owned the place, the stunning curves he's cradled in his palms barely concealed beneath what he thinks counts as a bathing suit.

If he thought he wanted her before, it's a thousand times harder for him to keep his hands to himself now that he's had her. Now that he knows what it's like to kiss her, hold her, watch her fall apart.

* * *

She falls asleep on the plane, the exhaustion finally catching up to her. They haven't exactly _slept_ much the last couple nights.

Castle offers to keep her company as his car service takes them back to Manhattan, but Kate quietly confesses that she just wants to sleep.

"That's fine," he says softly, draping an arm over her shoulders and holding her to his side.

She rests her cheek on his shoulder, releases a weary sigh. Having Castle with her helped keep the worst of the grief at bay, but the sadness lingers heavily in her heart and she just wants to go home and succumb to her tears and mourn the loss of her training officer, her mentor, the man she'd once loved.

When they pull up outside her building, Castle follows her onto the sidewalk, waiting patiently as the driver retrieves her luggage from the trunk and Kate digs for her keys.

"I'll be okay, Castle," she promises once she has them in her grasp. "Just need some sleep."

He nods compliantly but he's still gazing at her nervously, hands shoved in his pockets and a question in his eyes. Like he's not sure he wants her to leave, like he's worried…

Oh.

She braces a hand on his bicep, leans in to press a soft kiss to his lips. "Just for tonight," she murmurs. "I just need to be alone for a while."

"Okay," he whispers in relief, hands finally finding purchase on her hips.

"Thanks for coming with me," she adds. She's too tired to conjure up the words to explain just how grateful she is that he was there. She's not sure she could've handled this one herself, and she's not referring to the details of the case.

"Always, Kate, you know that," he replies.

She manages a meager smile, kisses him once more. "Good night."

* * *

They decide to keep it a secret.

Martha figures it out the first time she's sees them together, sitting on the sofa eating Chinese takeout with their thighs smashed together, and she of course shares her suspicions with Alexis.

But outside of his loft, no one knows.

It's probably best that way, since they haven't really defined it themselves.

They eat dinner together most nights, wake up together most mornings. They christen his bed and hers, his shower, her shower and bathroom counter, her sofa, her front door, and very nearly her kitchen counter one morning. She lets him hold her hand in the car, subtly dusts her fingertips over his shoulder as she walks past him at the precinct, even kisses him softly in the elevator one evening before they part ways for the night.

There's no one else for him, no one else in her life either.

And yet, they don't dare put it into words, Kate because she's scared of the implications and Castle because he's afraid to upset the status quo.

Kate always knew it would be like this once they finally crossed that line. They're in sync, they banter, they have chemistry in their everyday lives; she knew it would be the same in bed. Knew it would be passionate and intense, the attraction magnetic.

What she didn't expect was the magnitude of feelings that have come along with it. She's been attracted to him since the beginning, started caring for him so long ago she can't really remember when she first begrudgingly realized it. But with each passing day, she's falling deeper and deeper.

She loves that he makes her smile, loves that he's intelligent and creative, loves that he makes her feel so at ease. She loves that they spend almost every night together and that he looks at her like she's the most precious thing in the world.

She thinks she might even love _him_ , but she can't quite bring herself to admit it.

* * *

It all comes crashing down the day Hal Lockwood escapes from his arraignment.

It starts out like any other case, Kate in charge and in control, but Castle can tell she's already beginning to unravel. In her defense, she conceals it well. But he knows her better than that.

She declines his offer to accompany her back to her place that night, and he knows then that she's spiralling. Closing up, shutting him out. He can recognize the signs. He also knows she won't admit to it, so he bites his tongue, wishes her goodnight and heads home.

But when Jim comes to see him that night, putting the responsibility of Kate's safety in his hands, he knows he can't keep quiet any longer. Jim doesn't know they're together, probably doesn't realize the full depth of Castle's feelings for Kate, but it's clear he knows enough.

Castle starts with Montgomery, hoping her captain will take her off the case, but he too places the responsibility in Castle's hands. And so he's left with no choice but to go to her, finds himself knocking on her door that night; the second night in a row they've gone home separately.

"Hey, Castle," she greets, opening the door with her gun in her hand.

"Can I come in?" he asks, unsure of where they stand. She hasn't yelled at him, hasn't been outwardly angry with him, but she stormed out of the precinct with a stack of files earlier and she's been holding him at an arm's length since yesterday.

She stands back, widens the opening. "Of course."

He snags her around the waist as he enters, pressing a hard kiss to her lips and she grasps his bicep with her free hand, caught off balance by his sudden movements.

"I brought dinner," he offers as they separate, holding up a take-out bag from their favorite Italian place.

Kate locks the door, sets her gun aside as she follows him to her kitchen. She leans against the island, watching as he opens cupboards and drawers, withdrawing silverware and glasses. He knows where everything is in her kitchen, just as she's getting to know his.

"I'm sorry." Kate breaks the silence when they're finally seated on her sofa with their entrees and glasses of wine. "I know I've been…shutting you out."

Castle shrugs. "It's how you cope."

It is, but she's still sorry.

"Well, you're here now."

"Yeah, about that," he begins, setting his meal aside. Kate catches his tone, lifts wary eyes to him as she engulfs a bite of pasta.

"Kate, everyone associated with this case is dead," he begins. "Everyone. First your mom and her colleagues, then Raglan, then McCallister. You know they're coming for you next."

"Captain Montgomery's got a protective detail on me," she answers with a shrug.

"That's not gonna be enough to stop Lockwood; you know that," he fires back. "Think about what they're up against. Professional killers? I don't think we're gonna win this."

She abandons her fork in the container of pasta, brow furrowing in confusion. "Castle, they killed my mother. What do you want me to do here?"

"Walk away," he answers, drawing on Jim's words from last night to strengthen the resolve in his voice. He already knows she's not going to like this, but he has to get through to her. He has to keep her safe. "They're gonna kill you, Kate. And if you don't care about that, at least think about how that's gonna affect the people who love you. It would destroy me," he confesses, tears pooling in his eyes. "And your dad? You really want to put him through that? And what about everyone at the precinct?"

Kate opens her mouth to speak, finds herself with nothing to say. He's making good points – she thinks – but her brain is stuck on the part where he just admitted he loves her.

It's not exactly surprising. He's anything but subtle and she's seen it in his eyes countless times over the last month. She's stubbornly refused to put a name to it. But it's been there.

She just can't believe he'd confess it now, right after telling her to walk away from the case that means more to her than anything else.

Kate sets aside her dinner, stands and turns her back to him, takes a moment to regain her composure.

"Are you serious?" she finally manages as she spins to face him once more, though in the midst of her confusion she can't quite muster up her usual authority.

"I…"

"Just because we're," she hesitates, "sleeping together doesn't mean you get to control my life, Castle."

She sees it wash over his face, knows it hurts when she classifies what they've been doing as merely sex when they both know it's so much more, but she needs that, needs the separation. She can't think about how much of herself, how much of her heart she's given away to him. Not now. Not after this.

He rises to his feet in anger. "Kate."

"No, Castle," she interrupts, eyes flashing with fury and pain. "You know how important this is to me."

"More important than your life?"

"Castle."

"I just…"

"No. This is something I have to do and if you can't understand that, you can just go," she yells, gesturing angrily towards the door.

"Kate, please..."

"No," she snaps. "We're done."

* * *

He ends up back at the loft, confessing his deepest fears and his love for Kate to his mother after downing a fifth of scotch and flinging the glass into the samples of _Heat Rises_ cover art.

Martha tries to console him but it's no use. He's letting Jim down, he's letting Montgomery down, and he's pretty sure he's lost the woman he loves.

* * *

Montgomery calls the following evening, inviting him – in no uncertain terms – to the hangar in New Jersey where they'd found the stolen chopper. He doesn't explain but leaves no room for argument when he tells Castle to stand off to the side in the shadows, wait for his instructions, and follow them without deviation.

Which is how Castle finds himself dragging a kicking and screaming Kate Beckett from the hangar, silencing her sobs as he presses her back against her police cruiser. She lets him hug her as the gunshots echo through the silence, and he whispers platitudes and apologies against her skin.

It's when she lets him drive that he realizes how torn up she really is.

He rests his free hand on her leg as they cross through the Holland Tunnel back to Manhattan and she covers it with her own, twining their fingers with her palm kissing the back of his hand. She thanks him softly when he drops her off, dusting her lips across his cheek and promising to call in the morning.

They meet with Ryan and Esposito in her living room the next afternoon, a teary conversation about Montgomery as they prepare for his funeral and for their continued search for the man behind his death.

Castle hangs back as the other two detectives depart and as soon as the door is closed behind them, Kate draws him into a hug. Her breathing is shaky, her fingernails dig into his back even through the fabric of his clothing, but he holds her as long as she'll allow.

"Thanks, Castle," she whispers as he leaves, and he's as confused now as he's ever been.

She was never his 'girlfriend' and they never actually went on a real date, so he doesn't even know if what happened two nights ago constituted a break up. He definitely has no idea where they stand now. She doesn't seem to be mad anymore but they're all so wrecked over Montgomery's death that maybe her anger has just been pushed aside for the time being.

But whatever they are – or aren't – now isn't the time to parse it out.

They have a funeral to attend and a killer to catch.

* * *

When the glint of metal catches his eye, Castle doesn't even hesitate before tackling her to the ground. But he's too late.

There's blood spilling from her chest, so much blood, and the writer in him can't help but realize the worst-case scenario: that she might not survive this.

But no, she can't die. They're just getting started, only just beginning to learn how extraordinary they can be together. There's no way this can be the end.

Deep down, though, Castle knows it could be. And if this is the last time he's ever going to see her, she has to know.

He cradles her head in both hands, pouring everything he can into the gesture. "I'm so sorry, Kate," he whispers. For their fight. For Montgomery. For not getting to her a split second sooner. "I'm so sorry."

"Rick," she croaks, voice barely more than a whisper but it's all she has left.

"Kate," he pleads, but she's staring at him like a deer in headlights as tears soak her temples. He drops his forehead to hers, presses his eyes shut as his own tears begin to fall. "I love you," he whispers against her skin, flutters his lips across her cheek. "I love you so much."

She wants to tell him she's sorry, that they're not over, that she loves him too, but the air is gone from her lungs and her lips won't cooperate.

The last thing she feels is a teardrop falling from his cheek to her own. And then it all goes black.

* * *

Castle and Jim Beckett are in the waiting room, butts numb after hours seated in the uncomfortable chairs, when the surgeon finally emerges. She'll be okay, he says. She's awake.

Castle waits impatiently while Jim sits at his daughter's bedside, rises and begins pacing nervous circles around the waiting room. He'd never begrudge the man time with his daughter, but he desperately needs to see her before he'll fully believe she's okay.

In the hospital room, Jim finally stands, bending to press a kiss to Kate's forehead before he straightens.

"Rick is here too," her father says. "He's pretty devastated."

Kate closes her eyes, takes as deep a breath as her burning lungs will allow. Castle's words are the last thing she remembers from the cemetery; tears falling from his pleading blue eyes was the first image her mind conjured up when she awoke from surgery.

She has so many things she needs to say to him, so many things she's not sure how to say, and she definitely doesn't have the energy right now to figure it out.

But he held her dying body in his arms and now he's here to see her, and at the very least she owes him that.

"Okay," she accepts with a nod.

* * *

Castle appears in the doorway two minutes later, attempting to appear as though he didn't just sprint down the hallway to her even though Kate is sure that's exactly what happened.

"Hey, Castle," she greets meekly.

"Hi." The word is as tentative as his movements as he approaches uncertainly, coming to a halt at the end of her bed.

"You're staring," she mumbles, dipping her chin and running a self-conscious hand over her forehead. "I must look really bad."

"No," he promises. He's never seen anything more beautiful than the sight of her alive against the crisp white sheets and plastic frame of a hospital bed. "I just never thought I'd see you again."

It startles her, pulls her eyes back to his.

"Doctor says I'll be okay," she offers. What else can she say, really? She's in the hospital with a hole in her chest and stitches in her side.

Castle nods absently. After a long moment, he opens his mouth to speak, closes it, opens it again. Between that and the awkward hang of his arms, he looks like a fish out of water.

"What?" Kate finally prompts.

"I just," he begins, clears his throat and tries again. "I wish I could kiss you right now."

She smiles gently and lifts an arm in reply, extending her hand as far as she can reach without too much pain. Castle finally rounds the end of the bed, catches her hand with his own, but he's still standing there awkwardly.

"Castle." Kate rolls her eyes in adoring exasperation.

"What?"

She huffs but her eyes are twinkling. "I can't come to you."

Can't come to him? Does she mean…?

Oh.

She wants him to kiss her.

He detangles their fingers, leans over the bed and rests his elbows against the mattress on either side of her torso, careful not to jostle her. Kate lifts one hand, manages to loosely snag the fabric of his shirt in her fingers just as his lips meet hers. It's a gentle, tentative brush of his mouth once, twice, before he pulls away. But he doesn't go far, rests his cheek against hers and breathes her in.

It's quiet for a long moment before Kate speaks.

"I'm sorry."

Castle rises and sinks back into the chair at her bedside, fixes her with confused eyes and a furrowed brow. She's the one in the hospital bed. Isn't he the one who should be apologizing?

"For what?"

"Our fight," she murmurs, eyes falling closed. "Telling you we were done."

"No, no," he breathes in agreement, clasping her hand in both of his. "Of course not."

Her eyes are fixed on her lap when she speaks again. "I heard what you said. In the cemetery."

Oh.

"Kate, it's okay," he begins hurriedly. "I mean, I know it's only been a few weeks and I don't want you to feel pressured and…"

"Castle," she interrupts hoarsely, dissolves into a fit of coughing. Her throat is still rough from the intubation and the contractions rip through her chest like wildfire.

He reaches for the cup on her bedside tray, hands it to her and she takes a long drink. The cool water soothes the burning in her throat, but the tightness in her chest remains. She has a feeling it isn't going away any time soon.

"You alright?" he asks as she passes the cup back to him.

She nods.

"I just don't want you to feel any pressure," he says again.

But she's already feebly holding up a hand to dismiss his concerns. "It's okay, Rick."

She loves him too. So much. She just needs to be a little less broken when she tells him for the first time.

* * *

It's been twelve days. Twelve days since a bullet tore through her chest. Twelve days since she woke from surgery with pain and scars and medication that makes her so drowsy she can barely keep her eyes open at times. She's miserable.

It's gradually getting better, though. She can stand and walk around now, can sit for long periods of time without too much pain, can move her arms around enough to play a game of cards with Castle. He comes to visit her every day, sometimes staying for a couple hours, sometimes staying from dawn to dusk – though he often spends much of it watching her sleep.

But they're starting to talk about discharging her, sometime in the next couple days, and that's raised a new issue.

Where's she going to go?

So far, her dad, Castle, and Lanie have offered to have her stay with them. She's not loving any of those options, but Kate knows she's going to need some help, at least for the first few days. Her dad has a cabin in the Catskills, far from the crowds and noise and bright lights and fast pace of the city, and that kind of space and silence is probably exactly what she needs right now.

She can't stay with Castle. She's already determined that, though she hasn't told him yet. It's been good having him at the hospital; he keeps her company, makes her smile, and then he goes home and misses all the horrors of her current situation. Like the fact that she can't take a shower or dress herself without pain. Or the fact that sometimes her scars feel like they're on fire, reducing her to tears. Or the nightmares and panic attacks. Or the fact that when someone dropped a lunch tray yesterday, she flinched violently when it clattered to the ground.

She's not okay right now, for so many reasons, and she's worried their burgeoning relationship can't withstand the extremes of her current condition.

"Do you know where you're gonna stay?" Castle asks gently later that evening.

"I think I might go to my dad's cabin upstate," Kate admits, eyes averted. She's not sure her brittle heart can take the disappointment that's sure to be flooding his gaze.

"Oh," he acknowledges flatly.

She sighs, drops her head back into the pile of pillows and buries her face with both hands. He loves her and she loves him and she so desperately wants to put it all behind her and move on. Just wants to fall into his arms and let him be there for her.

But she doesn't want him to see her like this. She's physically weak, mentally fragile, emotionally wrecked; a mere shell of the woman he fell in love with. What if he sees her so broken and falls out of love with her?

"I'm sorry," Kate finally confesses, dropping her arms and forcing herself to meet his eyes. "I know you want me to come to the loft but I just…I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?" Castle prompts.

"Be…" she gestures aimlessly, "…recovering. I have a long way to go, Castle. And I don't know how to do that _and_ be with you _and_ be the…" she hesitates, "…person you fell in love with."

"Kate," he breathes urgently, catching her hand in both of his own and fixing her with pleading eyes. "It doesn't matter if you're chasing bad guys or laying in a hospital bed or anything in between. I love you. Nothing will change that, okay?"

Castle waits for the terror in her eyes to fade, her head to nod in agreement before continuing. "And the rest of it…do whatever is best for your recovery and we'll make it work."

"Promise?" she asks, so scared, so unsure.

He leans in, kisses her confidently. "Promise."

* * *

She does in fact end up at her dad's cabin. Jim takes the first two weeks off work to be with her until she's capable of making it through the day. Castle stays in the city, has a few publishing meetings and prior obligations to take care of anyway. But they text every day, talk on the phone almost every night.

And once she's alone in the cabin, once the first draft of _Heat Rises_ is finished, Castle begins driving upstate every weekend. They spend Friday night, all day Saturday, and most of Sunday together – watching movies, playing games, meandering through the woods and down to the pond as she gets stronger.

Kate holds his hand as they walk, cuddles into him on the sofa, and kisses him softly as often as she can. She wakes in a panic one night, gasping and crying and clawing at the pain in her chest. But Castle is there to hold her, calm her, and despite her deep-seated fears he doesn't look at her differently the next morning.

Things aren't back to normal, not yet; but she thinks they just might be doing okay.

* * *

On their fifth weekend together, Kate mentions that she might be ready to go back to the city. She's been in the Catskills for seven weeks now, was in the hospital for two weeks before that. It's time to start getting back into her normal life. She's on leave from the NYPD for another three weeks, still has to pass her psych eval and get the all-clear from her doctors and physical therapist. But she's ready to begin assimilating back into reality.

Castle drives her back that Sunday and, much to his surprise, she settles into the loft without argument. They haven't been sharing a bed all summer – the beds at the cabin are small, and sprawled on her back across the entire mattress is the only way she's been able to sleep without pain.

But she drops her duffle bag in Castle's bedroom and spends the next few nights beside him in his giant king-sized bed. She hasn't been cleared for certain… _activities_ … and she's still unable to sleep on her left side or be wrapped too tightly in Castle's embrace, but it's comforting to be falling asleep next to him again.

* * *

Kate is cleared for all forms of activity the afternoon before she's due to be reinstated, so she's not exactly surprised when Castle shows up at her apartment less than an hour later, grinning eagerly and bouncing excitedly.

Her stomach flutters in anticipation when he presses her back against her front door, cupping her jaw and kissing her deeply. After three months apart, it's almost like their first time all over again; so passionate and intense. But it's different, too, so full of the love that Castle doesn't even bother trying to hold back anymore. He caresses her skin adoringly, kisses her with reverence, and Kate melts into him, into his love.

She's nervous for him to see her scars, but he simply traces them with his fingertips, presses his lips to the damaged skin, and continues his downward exploration of her body.

She falls apart around his fingers and his tongue, tumbles over the brink a second time with him and oh, wow, how did she ever go three months without this? She never wants to be without this – _him_ – ever again.

"Oh God, Castle," Kate pants, breaths coming unevenly and her healing heart beating faster than it has in months.

"Yeah," he breathes in agreement as he snuggles up against her right side.

Kate combs her fingers through his hair, sighs in contentment as they drift into a sated slumber.

* * *

Her first case back is rough. A suspect pulls a gun on her and she freezes. She can hear the blood rushing in her ears, feels her muscles seizing up, and she can't do anything but wait for Ryan and Espo to show up and bail her out.

The second time someone points a gun at her, Castle is there to calm her, to talk her through it, and she manages to arrest the murderer, cuffs him and hands him off before turning and falling into Castle's arms.

"Thank you," she whispers, lips brushing his neck. "For being here through all of this."

"No place I'd rather be," he murmurs, cradling her tenderly.

"I love you." Kate breathes the words against his skin and feels it ripple through him, hears his breath catch, revels in the way he holds her just a little tighter.

"I love you too," Castle replies, the words little more than an awed exhale. "So much, Kate."

She sinks further into his embrace, breathing him in and feeling it all wash over her. She's never felt like this before.

This isn't how she ever imagined the first few months of their relationship would unfold. It was incredible at times, fiercely challenging at others. But Kate is certain that now – after navigating all the unexpected twists and turns – they can make it through anything,

For the first time in her life, she's all in.

For him. For them.

For always.

* * *

 **END**


End file.
